i will lay down my heart,
and i'll feel the power
but you won't,
no you won't.

and i can't make you love me

if you don't.

the big 3-0

so i turned 30 today.


i have long been fearing this day.
but as it turns out, it's not that bad after all.


with just a few more hours left,
i think i'm going to survive this day
contrary to what i thought.


if today is going to be an indication
of how life in my 30's is going to be
then i think i'm going to survive
another 30 years of my life.


so bring it!

if you always do what you've always done,
you'll always get what you always got.


i'm really not into resolutions and all that.
but i guess i could make an exception for 2011.

sort of.

i don't want to promise anything
but i will try my level best to
start doing things a little differently.

and then maybe i'll be
a little stronger,
a little happier,
a little better.

the first three decades of my life
are just about to pass me by.

there can be no better time for change than now.

bangkang papel

awww.

i thought i'd never, EVER see this again.
it's been more than 20 years.

funny, how i still know the lyrics to it. 

i grew up in batibot.

i was hoping my kids would do so too.

sigh.

life was oh, so simple then.

how i miss
playing in the rain
and wading in the mud
with reckless abandon.

i hope someone would upload tinapang bangus too. lol

ah, nostalgia.

void

in a passage long and drudging,
unilluminated,
egression is nowhere in sight;
with hands full of promise,
what is the purpose of wishing
for indiscernible light?

inane, barren, hollow, overcast,
aurora is absent,
an extinguished destiny;
deafening is silence,
blinding incessant darkness,
satiated with monotyny.

depleted of vigor and zeal,
as cold as an iceberg,
to succeed seems so meaningless;
so distant yet so loud,
a voice within is exclaiming-
"an antidote to emptiness!"

my aunt finally succumbed to breast cancer today
after years of battling it out.
she fought a good fight.
especially since she did it all on her own.


yes, on her own.


i regret that we haven't been there for her
as much as we should,
and as much as she has been there for us.


she may not have known it,
but she has inspired me to take the path i am at now.


i remember when she would bring us to channel 4 when we were little,
when it was still the country's premier tv station.
it was there where i saw korina sanchez, mel tiangco,
and a handful of today's luminaries in broadcast journalism.
it was there where i told myself,
"i want to be like them".


i may not be
the cnn anchor that i dreamt myself to be,
but because of that dream
i was able to put my life into perspective,
and i was able to give myself some direction.


i may not be religious,
but i believe she is in a much better place now.
a place where there is no more pain or sorrow.
and because of that, i am happy.


as she joins the stars in the heavens,
i shall continue to look up to her.
at times when i get lost, 
i know i will be right on track again
because i have her as my guide.


thank you, auntie.
we will see you again soon.

so i decided to give in last night
after so long.


well, almost.


but it was so
un-casual,
un-exciting, 
un-satisfying,


so un-worthy,
to say the least.


maybe it was the circumstance,
maybe it was him,
maybe it was me,


maybe i'm really just
officially tired of it.


god i'm old.


tsk.