all i need is all i want

i always thought that i knew what i wanted.


though i don't always get what i want,
i can be really persistent
that i would come really close to getting it,
so close that i get to at least have a taste of it.

but why is it that every time i do, i only get disappointed?
what i thought would make me happy
would only make me unhappier in the end. 


is it because my wants are too good for me?
must i really lower my standards for happiness?


last night, i went out with this really nice guy. 
good-looking. comes from a good family. and extremely young.
well, except for the young part, he's the ideal guy for me.
or for anyone else for that matter.
then i realize i may not be his.
just like before.

well, here i go again. me and my issues.


sigh.


all i want is simple.
i just want to be happy.
just like everyone. 


well, i guess that's it.
i just have to keep things simple.
even my wants.
maybe then i will finally get what i really want.
or, dare i say, what i really need.


but will it make me happy?


if what i thought what i want didn't
then this better should.

in the dark

when it seems like the world around you's breaking
and it feels like there's no one else around you
and it's quiet there's a silence in the darkness
and it sounds like the carnival is over...
-tiësto, in the dark


it's ironic really.

to be sober in a sea of dope.
to be lost in intoxication.
one of my odd, costly thrills in life, i must say.

it's worth it though.
because it's liberating.
it's like being in a fairy tale where everyone is in a trance but you.

to see what no one else seems to see.
to see light in the dark.
and no, not that type of light.
they came to forget. i came to remember.
all good things come to an end.
even good vibes.

what a way to give oneself a reality check.

i guess i'm back.