void

in a passage long and drudging,
unilluminated,
egression is nowhere in sight;
with hands full of promise,
what is the purpose of wishing
for indiscernible light?

inane, barren, hollow, overcast,
aurora is absent,
an extinguished destiny;
deafening is silence,
blinding incessant darkness,
satiated with monotyny.

depleted of vigor and zeal,
as cold as an iceberg,
to succeed seems so meaningless;
so distant yet so loud,
a voice within is exclaiming-
"an antidote to emptiness!"

my aunt finally succumbed to breast cancer today
after years of battling it out.
she fought a good fight.
especially since she did it all on her own.


yes, on her own.


i regret that we haven't been there for her
as much as we should,
and as much as she has been there for us.


she may not have known it,
but she has inspired me to take the path i am at now.


i remember when she would bring us to channel 4 when we were little,
when it was still the country's premier tv station.
it was there where i saw korina sanchez, mel tiangco,
and a handful of today's luminaries in broadcast journalism.
it was there where i told myself,
"i want to be like them".


i may not be
the cnn anchor that i dreamt myself to be,
but because of that dream
i was able to put my life into perspective,
and i was able to give myself some direction.


i may not be religious,
but i believe she is in a much better place now.
a place where there is no more pain or sorrow.
and because of that, i am happy.


as she joins the stars in the heavens,
i shall continue to look up to her.
at times when i get lost, 
i know i will be right on track again
because i have her as my guide.


thank you, auntie.
we will see you again soon.

so i decided to give in last night
after so long.


well, almost.


but it was so
un-casual,
un-exciting, 
un-satisfying,


so un-worthy,
to say the least.


maybe it was the circumstance,
maybe it was him,
maybe it was me,


maybe i'm really just
officially tired of it.


god i'm old.


tsk.

they say, there is one great love for every one of us.
and at one point in our life, we will find them.


i did find mine.


at the most inconvenient time.
and in the most unexpected place.


i've never seen him before
but the moment he went out of that elevator
i knew it was him.


i have never been happier being with someone
in a room filled with people i did not even know.


one thing led to another,
and before we knew it,
we were sharing a blanket
in our mini-nipa hut at home.


we did it.
in a bahay kubo,
on a cold, dark, moonless night.


it was fast as it was surreal.
but romantic nevertheless.
and i will never forget every minute of it.


i have never experienced anything like that in my life.
i have never felt so strongly for someone in my life.


i was obsessed.
i was head over heels.
i was young.
i was vulnerable.


i was in love.


but, apparently, he was just in heat.


his exact words were:
it was just a "limited engagement".


my one great love
turned out to be just
a one great one-night stand.


but the ever-persistent me
could not stop there.


i pursued him (read: stalked).


in the hope that maybe
he would find it in his heart
that he had feelings for me too
even just a teeny wee bit.


at that time,
i was about to go abroad to study.
i knew i needed some kind of closure.
and i had to beg him for that.


so we met.
but there was no closure.
i just found myself
left alone
standing in the rain.


several years passed
and we met again.
that was when i realized it was really, truly over.
i was over him.


we're good friends now.
we may not see each other,
but we've become so open 
that we can just tell each other stuff
that we don't usually tell other people.


it may have just been 
a classic case of infatuation,
a chronic fixation,
or just another episode of unrequited love.


but i would still like to think of him as
my one great love.


if only for the friendship that
came out of it.
if only for the fact that
he is still a part of my life now,
unlike many others
who have come and gone.


maybe it is true that we can only have one great love in life.
and that we only get one chance.


but maybe it is still possible
to have one great-er love.


well, at least, that's what i'd like to believe.


cheers!

i used to have this pillow.
i have had it as early as i can remember.

my mom tried so many times to replace it,

but i would still know the difference.

 

it had a unique texture,

a distinct smell,

that of my sweat, drool,

and all of my bodily fluids.

 

once i was asked,

if it was the end of the world

and there was only one thing i could save

i answered, instantaneously:

"my pillow".

 

but it was more than just a stinky old bag of cotton.

 

it has been

my security blanket,

my punching bag,

my cushion to cry on;

 

my pretend lover,

my cuddling buddy,

my staunchest confidante,

my friend.

 

i miss that damn pillow.