that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good
whether with or without you

yahoo!

had an interview this morning at yahoo philippines.
for partner account manager.

i kinda knew from the start that it was a long shot.
that being short-listed was already something.

but can you blame me if my delusion of being a corporate hotshot came rushing back after seeing all these yuppies with their shiny briefcases strutting down the plush streets of bonifacio global city?

suddenly i wanted the job. badly.

although i had this feeling they were initially impressed with my credentials, the interview was a complete disaster.

well, at least that was what i thought.

i guess i was too intimidated. overwhelmed even.
or i just didn't do my homework.
or i am simply not ready for it yet.
because even if i get the job, i'm not sure if i will be able to deliver.

but when will i ever be ready?

and when i am, who will still be there to hire me?

i was rejected by google.
now my application for yahoo is not looking good.

i used to be resilient. and persistent.
but this time i don't know if i would still be able to move forward.

it's getting hopeless.

all i do is try.
i think i've tried enough.
i can only try so much.

i'm tired. really.

hayaan mo na.

found this masterpiece by an amateur poet
in the most unexpected place.
the first time i read it, it made me choke.
yeah. it did strike a chord.

i just think it's lovely.

hayaan mo na ang saranggola

sabi mo, paliliparin nating dalawa ang saranggola.

hawak ko ang kapirasong kahoy kung saan nag mumula ang pisi ng ating gawa.
samantalang pinili mong dalhin ang saranggola sa malayo,
at nangakong bibitawan mo sa panahong sapat na ang hanging magdadala nito paitaas.

sabi mo, paliliparin nating dalawa ang saranggola.

halos maubos na ang rolyo ng pisi at halos hindi na kita matanaw.

ako ay naiwan at umaasang sa tamang dampi ng hangin,
hihigpit ang kapit ng pisi at bahagya mong iaangat ang saranggola.

akala ko, na sa ating dalawa ang pangarap na mapalipad ang saranggola.
nanatili ako at naghintay sa iyo, para sabay nating masilayan ang tagumpay.

sabi mo, paliliparin natin ang saranggola.

lumipas na ang hangin na magdadala sana ng ating saranggola sa langit.
mahigpit na ang pisi na tanging nagdurugtong sa ating dalawa.
sabi mo paliliparin natin ang saranggola, pero bakit ayaw mong pakawalan ito?
ihintayin mo bang maputol ang hiblang tanging nag uugnay sa atin?

hayaan mo na. hayaan mo na.

all i need is all i want

i always thought that i knew what i wanted.


though i don't always get what i want,
i can be really persistent
that i would come really close to getting it,
so close that i get to at least have a taste of it.

but why is it that every time i do, i only get disappointed?
what i thought would make me happy
would only make me unhappier in the end. 


is it because my wants are too good for me?
must i really lower my standards for happiness?


last night, i went out with this really nice guy. 
good-looking. comes from a good family. and extremely young.
well, except for the young part, he's the ideal guy for me.
or for anyone else for that matter.
then i realize i may not be his.
just like before.

well, here i go again. me and my issues.


sigh.


all i want is simple.
i just want to be happy.
just like everyone. 


well, i guess that's it.
i just have to keep things simple.
even my wants.
maybe then i will finally get what i really want.
or, dare i say, what i really need.


but will it make me happy?


if what i thought what i want didn't
then this better should.

in the dark

when it seems like the world around you's breaking
and it feels like there's no one else around you
and it's quiet there's a silence in the darkness
and it sounds like the carnival is over...
-tiësto, in the dark


it's ironic really.

to be sober in a sea of dope.
to be lost in intoxication.
one of my odd, costly thrills in life, i must say.

it's worth it though.
because it's liberating.
it's like being in a fairy tale where everyone is in a trance but you.

to see what no one else seems to see.
to see light in the dark.
and no, not that type of light.
they came to forget. i came to remember.
all good things come to an end.
even good vibes.

what a way to give oneself a reality check.

i guess i'm back.